Affirmative Action

Affirmative Action for Church Growth

Ron Benson

If the church were a little more selective, a little more particular, a little more discriminating about admission, then maybe the church-on-the-corner would obtain the reputation of exclusivity. And that exclusivity will have people clamoring to get in.

Adapting an affirmative action growth strategy for the church just seems to make sense. First, because it works. And we all know that that’s reason enough to do anything. If it means more people coming in, it must be OK.

Second, the church is supposed to express some diversity, right? St. Paul says, “If all were an eye, where would the sense of smell be?” Paraphrasing here: If all were white pasty folks from Des Moines, who would bring the tamales to the potluck?

Of course, in a church, race is not really as important as other considerations. “Red and yellow, black and white; they are precious in His sight” takes all the punch out of race-based membership strategies. Other factors, however, could be considered.

So here’s my proposal for a point system. In order to be considered a member of the church you have to score at least 400 points. Then the Church Board will have a meeting, and, after they’ve had coffee and left-over donuts from Sunday, a perfunctory prayer, approved the minutes of the last meeting, and taken a break for more coffee and donuts, they will get around to reviewing your application for membership. Using their own criteria, a quota equation of their own devises, they will grant you acceptance into membership.

It’s my thinking that people who are sifted through the filters in this process would make the church a pretty exciting place:

Add Up Your Points To See If You Can Get In. . .

PTS	CATEGORY
+10	For growing up in a Christian home.
+80	If you didn’t grow up in a Christian home, started to drink when you were six years old, became a coke addict at 10, gambled away your family’s estate by the age of 18, ended up laying in the gutter with only half your teeth, were visited by an angel in bright light who lead you to a Billy Graham Crusade where you stumbled your way forward on the third verse of “Just As I Am,” got saved and now get money to tell your marvelous testimony on the 700 Club.
+30	For being a tither of record. (Please provide documentation: your W2’s from the last 5 years and your receipts for giving for same).
+120	If you are the only child, in good standing, of very old and very wealthy parents and are fairly certain that they’ll expire within the next, say, two or three years.
+20	For coming in from a mainline Protestant liberal denomination.
+40	For coming in from an Orthodox or Catholic background. Extra 5 points if you were clergy.
+80	If you were formerly affiliated with any fanatical religious Muslim terrorist organization. Add 10 points if you presently harbor weapons of mass destruction.
+10	If you raise your hands during praise songs.
+15	If you play the tambourine. (Audition required).
-25	For attending a “Deeper Life” small group in the last six months.
+2	For every hour of Christian radio programming you listen to in the average week.
+40	For every hour of classic rock music you listen to in the average week.
-2	Deduct 2 points for wearing a suit to church on Sundays. Give yourself 20 points for snickering quietly at the guys who wear suits on Sundays. (MEN ONLY).
+20	For wearing a hat to church. Add one point for every inch of brim past the first three inches. (WOMEN ONLY).
+5	For being baptized. Deduct 5 points if you did it in the Jordan River.
-50	For obnoxious displays of glossolalia.
-100	If you’ve ever sent money to Jimmy Swaggart Ministries.
-25	If you confess publicly to like the Gaither Vocal Band.
-51	If you’ve sung, “Celebrate, Jesus, Celebrate” in the last year.
-100	If you use the KJV.
+10	If you’ve spent actual money for the politically correct NIV.
-20	If you pray the Jabez prayer every day. -10 points for every other day. Add 30 points if you named your own kid “Pain.”
+50	If your regularly receive catalogues from Victoria’s Secret.
-25	If you can recall the plot-line from last week’s episode of “Friends.”

How'd You Do?

OK. Perhaps it will need some modification. But I think this could work. A point system such as I am recommending would not only cull out the flock, it would go a long way to communicate the values and priorities of the church. It would help people know how discriminating we are, which is really the point with point-based admissions policies anyway, right?

We would end up attracting lots of folks, giving us the chance to manufacture just the right kind of body-life for our church. High scorers will have the immense satisfaction of having the right hand of fellowship (or is it the left hand?) extended in their general direction. Thrilling.

"Affirmative Action for Church Growth" was first published in The Plain Truth Magazine as "So You Want To Join Our Church?" in the May/June 2004 issue.