Reality Church

by

Ron Benson

With a new, informative, anthropologically-aware reality show appearing weekly on the silver screen, the church has some catching up to do. The new wineskin is oxymoronic reality. Here are some ideas:

Called By America

This is the series for churches in the midst of a pastoral search.  Churches will put their need for a pastor on the internet. Candidates responding will send a twelve minute sermon audition tape and the ten best will be shown to the congregation over ten weeks. On the eleventh Sunday, these ten pastor-types will be brought in for one big showdown. Each will be interviewed live on the net and their wives will be asked to play a hymn on the piano while their kids sing or play a violin. The church itself will not express an opinion. But America will vote via the Web on which pastor will be called to serve the church.  (Possible follow-ups: Help! I’m a Pastor! Get Me Out Of Here! set in Las Vegas).

Meet My Elders

This is similar to the CBA concept above, but with wilder results. A Senior Pastor is looking to hire a new Pastor of Music. Before he can pick one, they have to be approved by the Board of Elders. The six Elders, the Senior Pastor and seven prospective music-types go on a three-day retreat. During the time, the SP will spend time with each of the P of M applicants, eating dinner, playing a round of golf, relaxing in the hot tub, etc. The Senior Pastor will also meet with each contestant to plan out an order of worship. The Elder Board will watch all the interaction via hidden cameras. At crucial intervals, the Elder Board will have a P of M prospect come into a darkly lit room and take a lie detector test, asking questions like: “Have you ever danced in your heart during worship?” and “Will you ever sing, ‘It Only Takes A Spark To Get a Fire Going?’” and “Organ music is the most spiritual, isn’t it?” One by one the music folk get booted, until the Elder Board decides to spend the Pastor of Music budget on a used school bus.

Worship Band

A la “American Idol” and “Star Search,” worship bands from churches across the nation  compete to see which one is the most inspiring, worshipful, awesome, and rockin’.  Bands will lead a panel of judges in worship: a United Methodist named Elroy, a Charismatic Mennonite named Suzie, and Bob, a Calvary Chapel nomad. (Bob’s the surly one). Bands compete for the chance to make a truck-load of money by recording a praise album with Integrity Music, produced by Don Moen.  And they’ll get to lead worship for the next Promise Keepers convention in Pocatella, Idaho. Bands that show up with illegally photocopied music will be executed on live satellite TV.

Youth Worker Survivor

Eight youth sponsors will be divided up into two teams, and each team will be assigned a tribe of 40 middle schoolers for a 48 hour lock-in.  Over the two-day period, various challenges will measure the courage and endurance of the contestants. Challenges include a stick hockey game between the tribes, the Mountain Dew chug-a-lug match, a Youth Room refrigerator mystery-food eating contest, and a men’s bathroom clean-up at the forty-five hour mark. Those who win challenges can earn rewards, such as: a night on the newest sofa (1979 avacado green sleeper with no mattress donated by Mrs. Spingle, “The Cat Lady”); a vacation weekend tent camping with the Senior Pastor, his wife and seven foster kids; or a copy of “Hugs for Youth Workers.”  Those who survive will be given $5 gift certificates to Taco Bell and reimbursement for all hospital expenses.

Church Kitchen Wars

The Kitchen Committee, who is normally in charge of Potlucks, will go spatula-to-spatula with the Deaconesses, who typically handle the Funeral Dinners. The two Church Kitchen refrigerators will be stocked with identical church food – Tater Tots, five left-over mustard jars, a half-used gallon of ice cream that’s been through two power outages, rancid communion wafers, and the miscellaneous abandoned sack lunches of the staff. The two teams will be given 30 minutes to work simultaneously in the kitchen and produce edible food. The resulting culinary art will be served to the opposing team. The team with the last person to vomit wins.

Bite Me

This one takes place in the church nursery. Teething rings are denied year-and-a-half-old toddlers who are locked in the room for an hour. Supervisors will watch outside, looking through the smoky glass one-way mirrors, and allowed to step in only when blood is drawn twice on the same limb. Parents of the kid with the fewest teeth marks take home a box of Gerber Biscuits and a free “Get-Out-Of-Nursery-Duty-For-A-Month” card.

Smear Factor

A small group of people meet on a weekly basis, presumably to study scripture, but they sneak in lots of juicy gossip and back-stabbing innuendo.

OK. Not exactly a new idea.

"Reality Church" was first published in The Door magazine July/Aug 2003.